God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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