Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
this hospital has no fireball
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
