I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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