You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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