Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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