what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
no, he came in my armpit
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
