my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
