when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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