Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
