We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
