I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
