Do you still have your period?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
