You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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