So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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