You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
