I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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