The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
