I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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