is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
