I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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