Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
