Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
