last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
