First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
