My room smells like vodka and shame
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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