By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
handjob tips. give me some.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
