Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
