Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
