I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
