Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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