god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
