to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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