Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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