Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
They have beer where we have blood.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
