Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
