I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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