I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
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