Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
