mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
