Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
