I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
