I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
