Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Randomize
