matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
one might say we're banned from that church
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
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