you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
