oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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