I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
