Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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