I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
