like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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