So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
