I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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