my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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