Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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