i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
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I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
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I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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