I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
