the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You are the jesus of drinking
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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